There are a lot of prople working on me and I have to give props to the folks that take care of me - they are doing everything they can, my father is paying an ungodly amount of money to keep me alive and even then I may not make it.  It all started as a sore throat and a cough - then it got entrenched in my chest and refuses to let me go.  They even put me on antibiotics that are strong enough to take down ANTHRAX and that didn't work either.  Im now on the tail end of my last few pills of the second round of antibiotics, but now theres fluid in my lungs and THATS A HUGE RED FLAG.  My lungs were shredded from the last two times they took me in and out of two different hospitals and I've made the conscious decision that Im not  going back - even if it means i die, because the sad fact is that Im at the tail end of cerebral palsy which is a life long permanent physical disability that has slowly but surely taken everything good i had going for myself away one item at a time. 

At this point i cant even bend my knees any more which means that I cant get out of bed, and because Im a pre-existing cxondition case, insurance bean counters decide whether i get surgery or not toi fix the fact that i cant get out of bed, and this being America they naturally ruled that because I've actually beaten my circumstances and made it to a year from thirty nobody will touch me.  Apparently it doesn't matter that living in bed renders my quality of life non-existance the only place I could ever get immediately treated is if i went to Europe or the UK and paid millions of Euroes that I don't have. Thanks to Uncle Sam I make less than a thousand dollars a month in government welfare, and IM REQUIRED TO SPEND IT ALL OR THEY TAKE BACK WHAT I DONT SPEND.  Which means that even if I could get in the wheelchair my family paid $60,000 for Im NOT ALLOWED to get a real job and my only way out is to make money under my own power.  I've been trying since i was 15 to establish myself as a world renouned fiction writer, but writing books is even harder than professiolnal blogging.  Good books take research and several drafrts to get right - BESTSELLERS take even more time even better content and these days your nobody unless your books lead to movies.  (There are exceptions to that rule like Dean Koontz who simply generates a book every six months and almost all of them have spent at least 30 weeks on top of the New York Times best sellers list.)  For the record I work every day to be more like him, and all the authors that solidified the certainty that writing is what i want to do with my life, but there are those with fame and those without.  The potential that all my teachers saw in me during Highschool means nothing if I fail to produce something of consequence.  I have four books going at the moment not including the non-fiction piece I'm writing for those with disabilities and parents that have just discovered their child isnt destined to be normal, but just like anything - I'm typing with three fingers on one hand.  There are only so many hours in a day and theres only so long I can maintain 55 WPM.  The odds are slim to none, but the beauty of being the underdog for your entrire existence is that nobody sees you coming until you've scored.  With any luck my 5 year old macbookpro will stay alive long enough to see one of my outlines through to its final draft and the pending publishing deal.

So the bottom line is that even if i survive this infection I still have to find a way to maintain and stay sane having to live in bed with no way of going anywhere or doing anything of consequence.  Until further notice the only thing I do well is remain a loser on welfare, and theres no way I'm going to see 50.  These days if you don't make it by 25 your not going to make it period.  That means two things - my writing and THIS BLOG are my only chances to see anything more than welfare in my  bank account.  And for those of you that have decided I'm just feeling sorry for myself can stick it.  Its because of warriors like me that the rest of you get to live normal lives with all the opportunities I can only dream of.  I'm never going to hold down a nine to five, I'm never EVER going to get a girl to care that i exist, which means that marriage and kids are out too.  Heck - I'd do just about anythingh just to hold a womans hand - hold her close - wrap my arms around her waist, feel her lean back against my chest, and lace her fingers in mine and lay my chin on her shoulder while she tells me about her day.  Those of you that get such little trinkets of humanity whenever you wish should count your blessings because the only way I get anything close to the above is when I'm asleeep and dreaming.  I'd keep going but I'll cry so its best I stop while I'm ahead - if its fair to call it that.

To conclude - as soon as I can breathe without coughing, as soon as the fluid drains from my lungs I will turn things up to 15 and add to this blog in the manner i intended when i spent the first 15 hours getting the SQUARESPACE interface to create something that I'm proud of.  A BLOG isn't much, but its better than nothing and there are lots of people that make insane money blogging with far less determination eloquence and intelligence that I'm sure I've made clear and obvious.  To the girl that i wish i had all i can say is that I'm patiently waiting for you - we've never met, but even now you have my loyalty; my last remaining hope born of both lonliness and desperation is that you turn out to be more than a fleeting dream.

I may very well be at the bottom of the food chain but I'm still breathing, and just like the Spartans of thousands of years prior, I don't stop fighting for what I've sweat wept rewritten from scratch and bled for until Death drops me.  And as far as I'm concerned - I've made it this far - Death best bring hired help, because one on one I'm not going to drop - period.